Happy Easter Angels

Easter morning...............my mind and my heart are flooded with memories...................good, sweet memories that make me smile! Easter has always been a huge Holiday for our family, a beautiful day, filled with church, song, flowers, food, friends, family, candy, laughter, easter egg hunts, pretty dresses and bonnetts........................................

All of Jennifer's favorites racing through my memory and wondering what (if anything), Adrianna would like to eat....what would be her favorites? Or would she be like her Mommy at that age and be much more interested in the basket of candy and hunting the eggs that she knows await her?

I can so imagine Jennifer fussing over her pretty little dress and trying her best to keep her from getting chocolate on it or one of those pretty pastels from the Easter eggs...........Jennifer and her sisters wore bonnetts or hats on Easter and I can see Adrianna running through the grass holding her hat from the wind as she hunts for each of the wonderful surprises that await her in the grass and flowers and her beautiful face as she shows each and everyone to her Mommy with amazment..............................

Our family would have attended church this morning together. My memory takes me back to Jenn as a little girl in church. She was always so good, never one day spent in the nursery! I can see her as she kneels to say her prayers and give thanks for her family. We are Catholic and Jennifer was always too shy to be an alter server, she did try cross and candle bearer for awhile, but she was too nervous, so afraid that she would do something wrong...................so she decided that she would be an usher/greeter instead..........what a great decision on her part, she was perfect for the job and loved it!!! Today, Jennifer would have knelt and gave thanks to God for the wonderful gift of her beautiful daughter, I would have been beside her with the same thankful prayer.............and so today, I give thanks to God for the time that I had with my daughter, allowing me to be a part of her life and also for briefly giving us Adrianna to share and complete our bond........my Angels.............

Later today, I will attend a family dinner, but now it is different................no Jennifer, no Adrianna, no pretty dresses or bonnetts, just food and what's left of our family................a different family................one filled with grief, confusion, anger and questions.....................two empty chairs for my angels will be there.......................my heart full of sweet memories of Easter's gone......................................

I miss you Jennifer and Adrianna more than words could ever say.....................Mom

It's been two years now...........................will this agony and pain ever end? Will I ever see my sweet girls again? Will they at least be able to ever rest?

The pain is as fresh today as it was that horrible day two years ago, on March 25. 2004. Nothing has changed, time has stopped in so many ways. I read somewhere that a parent experiencing this seems to have one foot stuck in that day (the day their child vanished) and another foot in the here and now, taking care of the other children, going to work, sweeping the floor. That is so true. I remember the day that I fell to my knees in my front yard and knew that something terrible was wrong just like it was yesterday. In so many ways, I am still in that position. It still seems at times, to be just unreal, sometimes I still wake up thinking maybe it was all just a bad dream.

There are so many things that I long to share with my daughter and so many things that I dream of sharing with my granddaughter. I logged onto the computer today to check in and one of the first things that I saw was a different face staring back at me from the screen when I went to the NCMEC site to look at Adrianna's face. Her age progression is done and posted as a new flyer. What a shock! I had in my mind that Adrianna would still look basically the same and that I would know her if I ever saw her, no matter how old she was. What I saw amazed me, it occured to me that I could walk right past this little girl and not recognize her as my own sweet grandbaby. Is that possible? Could she change that much? I do know that she is not a baby anymore, but a little girl, who will soon be getting ready for school. I also realize that I have lost the opportunity to do alot of the things that I wanted to do with her. Those were baby things.......she probably would not be interested in them anymore, those times are lost. Now I will progress farther with the things that I want to share with her, things that would be more age appropriate for her. I know that if I can ever find her that we can make up for the lost time........I know that we can.